Why Country Western Dancing Blows

Or, how not to pick up girls at dance clubs.

Yes, country western dancing blows.

I know, this post is probably going to offend nearly everyone. Sigh. Oh well.

A while ago, I went to a party thrown for two friends of mine who were getting married. The party was at a country western dance hall.

Now, as I remember it from being there before, they intersperse country songs with rock songs, which I can dance to. I cannot dance to country western songs.

And here's why.

Country Western dancing sucks.

No, it really does. It's designed to maximize physical exhaustion while minimizing physical intimacy and contact. All other dance forms I can think of off the top of my head (hip hop, club, salsa, merengue, tango, waltz) try to increase the intimacy of the dancing partners. Not two-stepping. And what's with the name two-stepping? We all have two feet. What, we're going to be one-stepping? Three-stepping?

But I digress. Dancing is supposed to be about having fun and/or getting romantic with your partner. Two-stepping involves so much whirling and walking and movement that it is impossible to talk to your partner - impossible to touch your partner other than their hands - and impossible to have any intimacy whatsoever.

Plus, it's complicated as Hell. I'm sorry, when I want to dance, I just want to dance, I don't want to have to re-set myself, or try to figure out where I'm supposed to put my left foot three moves from now. That's chess, not dancing.

Add to this that you are constantly moving around the dance floor. And since you get to share the dance floor, you are constantly bumping into other couples who are moving faster or slower than you are.

Now, I realize I went to this country western place so I shouldn't complain, but I never realized how absurd country western dancing actually is. I would not be shocked if it was originally invented by some chastity-obsessed weirdo to keep boys and girls from ever touching one another.

I did dance to several rock and rap songs. About one per hour to my estimate. And I did ask three women I didn't know and three that I did know to dance. One of the ones I didn't know and two of those I did know accepted. Asking women to dance is actually pretty easy. Wait for a dance that you know you won't make a complete ass of yourself dancing to, sidle up to a woman, smile, and say "Wanna dance?"

And then do so. Even if you don't dance well, the woman will likely appreciate the effort. If it doesn't lead anywhere, that's fine, at least it was good practice. Plus, the other hotties in the audience see you dancing and think, a-ha, a guy who dances. Guys that are willing to hit the dance floor are few and far between, believe you me.

The zenith of absurdity was reached when the ignorant idiots who can only two-step kept two-stepping during the rock songs. Now, this is passable during Bill Haley and the Comets' "Rock Around the Clock", but imagine watching idiots trying to two-step to Justin Timberlake's "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" or "Back That Ass Up". Ludicrous. Plus, they're still twirling around the dance floor two-stepping and bumping into the rest of us who are attempting to dance like normally-evolved humans.

Also, rock songs and rap songs in dance clubs generally are not about how much life sucks. I'm sorry, but country western music being played in a dance club should not be emo. I don't want to dance to (or in my precise case, watch other people dance to) a song about how some loser lost his horse, his wife, his dog, etc. Play some upbeat or romantic stuff, or stop playing. Period. Rock clubs don't make you dance to James Blunt, okay? I'm there to have fun, not cry in my beer. Who wants to get their sexy on to depressing music anyway?

Oh, and I'm not trying to beat up anyone, but this is soul destroying to even watch: guys, many of them in their 50s, fully decked out in country western gear, standing on the side of the dance floor, sipping a beer. Doing nothing else. Just staring. Not there with friends, not there with a girl, just standing and staring. If you haven't the confidence to ask a girl to dance, probably going to a dance club is going to make your night suck even more. And standing and staring is not going to make a girl (or anyone else) come up and talk to you because it's creepy and off-putting.

Take dance classes, guys. I did, and might take more. And I have two left feet. Hell, if nothing else, it gets you out of the house and meeting people. Plus, if you go to a club, you won't be one of those guys standing their sipping beer and looking lonely and pathetic. I don't even know what to do for them. So get out there and shake some leg, okay people?